Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.
Wash your pretty little baby inside and out and dry with paper towels. Arrange your pig in a roasting pan (a hotel pan works best, but anything you have that will hold the pig is fine, as long as it has sides at least 2 inches high). Rub the cavity with 1 cup of the salt, some pepper, 1/4 cup of the fennel seed and 1/4 cup of the marjoram, and then stuff with the onions, garlic, apples, lemon and thyme.
If you are really ambitious, you can sew the stomach cavity closed, but you don't have to.
Combine the remaining fennel, marjoram, salt, pepper and the olive oil and rub it all over the outside of the pig. Have your friend or partner (you aren't doing this alone, are you!?) pour the water or wine over your hands to wash off the remaining oil and spices and let it run into the pan. Cover the ears with tin foil.
Roast 15 minutes, and then pull the heat down to 325 degrees F and roast 3 hours 30 minutes to 4 hours, turning on the hour for even roasting. Tent the pig with foil and let it rest 20 minutes before carving.
Carve and serve, crispy skin and all. Watch your guests' eyes slowly glaze over in pure love and delight.