Trader Joe’s isn’t like other grocery chains. Aside from having a great selection of healthy(ish) food and nice wines, it’s typically a pretty small store, so shopping there tends to be an intimate experience. Picking up kitchen staples means frequently brushing arms with fellow shoppers, and accidentally listening to their conversations. Of course, by “accidentally” we mean “intentionally” and by “conversation” we mean “couples’ passive-aggressive bickering.”

Sure, sometimes a conversation is just a conversation, but we’ve found that if you really focus on tone, body language and clenched teeth, you can read the hidden meaning in the seemingly casual Trader Joe’s chitchat between couples. Like Jane Goodall in the jungle, we’ve spent some time in the aisles, observing and interpreting the exchanges between human partners. Below is what we heard — and their actual meanings.

So if you're single and seeing couples grocery shop together bums you out, now you can relish your singledom. Or if you’re actually one of those couples, know that we’re eavesdropping on you.

I don’t know how to tell you that you’ve gained weight and that I’m not attracted to your belly.

When you were at work I got stoned and ate all the cereal.

Why isn’t your sister staying at a hotel? She’s high maintenance and I do not enjoy her company.

I’m sick of spending so much money on your produce phobias.

The only way for me to justify gorging on chocolate is if some of the proceeds go to endangered spider monkeys.

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Alie Ward and Georgia Hardstark are best friends who met outside a tragically hip dive bar in Los Angeles. Together, they created the cocktail abomination called the McNuggetini. You can find them on Cooking Channel stirring up Drinks with Alie and Georgia, getting schooled on Classy Ladies and devouring desserts for Unique Sweets. Find out more about them here.